State of grace
by flipmeforward
Summary: This is the state of grace, this is the worth while fight, love is a ruthless game, unless you play it good and right


They've been silent for three days and counting. They go on with their lives as usual; they have breakfast together, they go to work, they have dinner together, they do their chores, they watch TV together, they even sleep in the same bed — they just don't talk to each other. They don't sit close to each other on the couch, they sleep on the far end of their side of the bed.

The fact that they work together this seamlessly, that they know each other so well that they can function and do laundry and cook dinner without talking to each other, it says more about them than any words ever could. Sebastian can say whatever he wants about not being ready to commit, they _are_ pretty fucking committed already. Kurt keeps silent, waiting for his boyfriend to realize that, and Sebastian keeps silent because he's just too stubborn to give in.

Kurt works late on Friday. Really, really late; it's past midnight when he gets off the subway. He's hungry and tired and he really hopes that Sebastian picked up something on his way home from work. He probably didn't. Sebastian usually works late on Fridays and Kurt usually gets off early, meaning he usually cooks them dinner, which Sebastian probably expected, and Kurt finds himself growing more and more annoyed with each step he takes towards their apartment.

It takes him three tries to get his keys into the lock because he's too vicious, and he curses inwardly at their new front door, too silent to make any sound when he drags it open and tries to slam it close. The anger is still bubbling inside of him but it falters a little bit when he hears Sebastian's voice from the living room. It's the first time he's heard him speak in over three days, and it throws him off a little when it's not even aimed at him.

"Mhm. Yeah. Yeah I'll let you know. Thanks."

Kurt isn't even sure he wants to know who Sebastian is calling this late on a Friday night, so he just walks past him into the kitchen. He opens the fridge in hope of finding_something_ to eat, even if it's just leftovers or a sandwich or an apple.

"Where the FUCK have you been?!" Sebastian yells, and Kurt jumps and slams the refrigerator door. He didn't expect Sebastian to notice him, much less follow him.

He also didn't expect another yelling match to be the end of the silent treatment.

"Work," he says curtly, putting the plate of leftover lasagna in the microwave.

"Bullshit," Sebastian spits. "I called your work, they said you left at four."

Oh. Technically, that was true. Kurt left his office at four.

"I helped Eileen on the third floor," he says, because it's true. He'd promised to help her out and they'd been stuck with the dress she was making until sometime around eleven, neither of them wanting to stop when they were so close to finishing.

"And I'm supposed to believe that?" Sebastian scoffs. "You didn't even answer your phone."

Kurt frowns at that. He's pretty sure he would've noticed if Sebastian called him, especially under these circumstances. He digs into his pocket, fishes out his phone. Dead. He puts it on the counter and shrugs.

"I guess I ran out of battery." The microwave beeps and Kurt digs into the top drawer for a fork and knife, then reaches for a clean glass. He wants, _needs,_ to eat before he deals with whatever shit Sebastian wants to throw at him. "Why do you even care?" he mutters, taking out the plate.

"Because I was worried!" Sebastian exclaims, making Kurt jump again and dropping the cutlery on the counter. He finally turns, then, and looks at his boyfriend. Sebastian looks… worn out. His hair is a mess, the two top buttons on his shirt are undone, he's pale, and his eyes are red rimmed. "God, Kurt, you could have been _anywhere_!" Sebastian drags a hand through his hair and slumps back against the wall behind him. "That was your dad, by the way," he says and nods towards the living room, indicating the phone call he was making when Kurt got home.

"You called my dad?" Kurt asks, not knowing if he should be enraged or not.

"I didn't know where you were! Eight hours, Kurt. Do you know what could've happened to you?" His voice breaks on the last words and Kurt can see he's starting to tear up.

"I was at work," Kurt repeats, a little guilty this time.

"Yeah, and how was I supposed to know that? You didn't answer your phone, Rachel didn't know where you were—"

"You called _Rachel_?" Kurt interrupts, incredulous. "You hate her!"

"But I love you!" Sebastian shouts, crossing his arms across his chest as his tears begin to fall. "I love you, and the last thing I said to you was that I didn't want to play house with you for the rest of my life and you could've been _anywhere_. Out fucking, or halfway to L.A., or just— fuck, I don't know!" He presses the heels of his hands into his eyes to stop the tears. "You've seen CSI," he says, voice a bit muffled by his wrists. "Eight hours is a lot of time."

Kurt stares at him. He knows Sebastian loved him, he _knows_, but after these days…

"Sebastian," he says gently. "I'm here. I'm okay."

Sebastian wraps his arms around himself again and nods, not looking up.

"Yeah, I know. It was stupid."

"If I'd known you cared I would've called," Kurt says, turning around to get his food, and when he looks back Sebastian is staring at him.

"You think I don't care?" he asks, voice smaller than Kurt has ever heard him before. He can see another round of tears forming and sets away his food again.

"I asked if you'd thought about marriage and you laughed at me," he says, crossing his own arms and focusing on a spot on the wall next to Sebastian's hip. "And then we didn't talk for three days. I'm honestly not sure if that entitles me to count on you caring."

"Kurt, I—" Sebastian starts, but then he stops. He doesn't continue.

"Yeah," Kurt says quietly, takes his food, and goes to lock himself up in the study.

—

When he finally goes to bed, it's well past three am. The bedroom is dark and Sebastian is already curled up under the covers. Kurt doesn't bother to check if he's awake or not, because he doesn't want to know.

When Sebastian turns over as soon as Kurt is settled, he guesses he has his answer anyway.

"I care about you," Sebastian says, his voice uncharacteristically rough and Kurt assumes it's from the crying. "Kurt, _please_ don't ever think that I don't care."

Kurt doesn't say anything, he just stares up at the ceiling. He doesn't know _what_ to say.

"I love you," Sebastian continues when Kurt doesn't tell him to shut up. "I just never thought about marriage. It honestly never crossed my mind."

"Is that supposed to make me feel better?" Kurt asks bitterly. Sebastian sighs.

"I'm sorry, okay? I'm sorry I laughed at you. I just— You caught me off guard."

"Why couldn't you just be honest, then?" Kurt asks, finally turning to look at Sebastian in the dim light. It's his turn to have tears build up in his eyes now. "Why couldn't you just say 'wow, I've never thought about that, but it sure sounds wonderful, can I get back to you?' Hm?"

"I'm sorry," Sebastian repeats.

"Yeah, well, I'm glad I asked about your opinion before I popped the question," Kurt says bitterly, blinking away tears.

Sebastian squints at him.

"You want to marry me?" he asks, surprised. Kurt huffs and turns to his side, his back to Sebastian.

"Don't worry, I won't ask you," he mutters, dragging the covers up to his neck.

Sebastian scoots across the bed, curling up closer to Kurt but not daring to touch him just yet.

"What if I would say yes?" he whispers. "You still wouldn't ask?"

"Fuck you," Kurt says, pulling the covers up over his head. Sebastian rips them off.

"Hey, I'm serious, okay?"

Kurt twists around to glare at him. "Yeah, sure. You laughed at me three days ago, remember?"

"Three days of silence is plenty of time to think. Look, I'm not— I don't want to fly out to Vegas tomorrow, or anything. But I've thought about it. And I'm not opposed to it."

"You're 'not opposed' to the thought of spending the rest of your life with me? Thanks. Really." Kurt tries to pull up the covers again, but Sebastian holds them down.

"That wasn't really the question here, was it? I've already planned on spending the rest of my life with you. I just didn't think we needed to be married to do it."

The way he says it, casually, like he's talking about whether the sky is blue or not, is how Kurt knows it's true. It really _is_ something Sebastian believes. It's not even a question for him, it hasn't been for a long time. Kurt turns around again so he doesn't have to crane his neck to look at him.

"Really?" he asks, but it's for confirmation, not because he's doubting. Sebastian shrugs.

"Really," Sebastian says, a small, hesitant smile ghosting over his lips. Kurt holds the covers up in silent invitation and Sebastian slides in quickly, spooning up behind Kurt.

"Did you call my dad back?" Kurt asks, pressing back in Sebastian's embrace and enjoying the warm arm around his waist.

"I sent him a text. And one to Rachel," Sebastian replies, pressing a kiss to Kurt's neck.

"We still have to talk tomorrow," Kurt says around a yawn. Sebastian presses another kiss to his neck.

"I know."

"Without yelling."

"I know."

Kurt closes his eyes and snuggles into the pillow, finally able to relax for the first time in days.

"I love you."

Sebastian's grip around him tightens and he presses closer.

"I love you, too."


End file.
